intro

welcome to my personal domain, clockwork-fairy.net! this website serves as an archive for my art, a personal blog/journal and overall just my little home on the web!

layout

this is version 5 of my website, named beachbum, featuring a little layout i made in like... 1-2 days. all graphics and code are by myself, although i do use some scripts i found online (refer to the credits page). it's sort of meant to reference my love for summer and beaches and has an overall 'summer' theme (ironic, considering it's winter, eh?) and stuff.

journal

mood: bored  ::  posted @ march 13, 2026 @

hah.. been a while since i last updated the old site.. has it really? it's only a one month difference.. less than a month technically.. BAH! whatever. it still feels long to me. life's been pretty.. well, i wouldn't say amazing, but it's serviceable. last week I was in the Dominican Republic to see some family, and lately i've been talking to Anouk a lot through Yahoo! Messenger. she's pretty fun to talk to! so, i guess it's been good enough. i've been thinking a lot of working on my website lately, but recently i just haven't had the time or the passion to work on it. i still do love my site, really, but life gets in the way, and... you know. it sucks, really; there's so many things i want to do, so many things i want to learn.. did you guys know i wanna learn how to make winamp skins and ukagakas? but alas.. as always, school gets in the way of things, and i'm mostly left scrambling to get pointless assignments done that i probably won't even remember in a week from then. sigh....

anywho, i'm gonna try to push out a few updates to the website, albeit small ones. you know; updating the DAMN ART ARCHIVE I NEVER USE on this site, updating and adding links and other stuff like that. i'm also planning to make a new layout, though i'm not sure if i should make one for my dreamwidth journal first or this website first.. maybe the dreamwidth layout should go first, since it hasn't been updated since AUGUST. can you believe that? AUGUST? that is FOUL! plus, i kinda maybe really hate the header piccy i did for that layout, so... yeah.

i think i'm gonna end this entry here. just wanted to let you guys know that no, this website isn't dead and i do check up on it.. every once in a while.. i mean, that's better than not checking ever, no?

mood: lonely  ::  posted @ february 17, 2026 @ 23:48

god, i just know that i'm gonna sound like such a loser with this entry. but i honestly don't know why i feel so alone. i mean, i have tons of friends, a good chunk of them talk to me, so why do i feel like i have nobody? i mean, i don't really have a best friend anymore because all of my "best friends" let me go pretty quickly. best friend of 3 years? oh, sorry, i have a way BETTER friend i met JUST yesterday! god, i don't even think that my partner even thinks of me that way. nobody i know does. why is everyone so dry to me? am i just that boring? do they just not like me? why do i think this way? why do i think that everyone secretly hates me or something? do they actually, or is it all in my head? why do i want a best friend so bad? why am i so desperate for real friendship? it's so, so fucking stupid. why am i like this? what's wrong with me? why do i keep asking so many questions?

of course, i can't tell this to any of my RL friends. it's not like they care. they never did. everybody i know isn't real. metaphorically speaking, i guess. why do i obsess so much over literally anyone who offers to be my friend? i hate it. of course, they only remember i exist whenever they need something from me. everyone does. ugh, the urge to just block everyone, delete my accounts and run away into the forest. i'd be happy that way, i think. oh, who am i kidding? i'm too much of an attention whore to live that way. if so, how can i live happily? am i just making up negative shit about people so i can feel better about myself? why do i do this? why do i do this to my friends? why am i so toxic?

haa.. it's all so tiring. everything's just a reminder that i don't actually have anyone. all the friends i have, they're just smoke and mirrors. they'd probably leave me at the drop of a hat if they wanted. that's okay, i don't deserve friends anyway. i just don't. i'm a toxic piece of shit who overthinks everything. just leave me behind to rot, like you've always done. at least he cared. yeah, he used me but who cares? at least he made me feel wanted. and that's all i'm really asking for, okay? i want him back in my life. i want to feel loved again. make me feel good, make me feel loved. oh, you! tell me i'm pretty! that you love me! i love you. do you even feel the same? oh, sorry. sorry for getting in the way of you and your best friend. i didn't know i'm actually just a second thought. am i?

mood: bored  ::  posted @ january 22, 2026 @ 10:40

wow, long time no see! i really ought to update my web journal more often.. well, i ALWAYS say that. so, um, hi guys! life's been pretty boring. i haven't really done much interesting things this month so far, though i have went with a road trip with my dad on the 8th. it was kind of awkward, though ;_; we went with my uncle and his son too, and i swear, the silence was palpable (is that how you say it? lol) anywho, i'm thinking of making a new layout. i like the colors on this one but i'm starting to not really like that top drawing anymore. the eyes look so weird... i also want to change my DW journal's layout, too, since i don't really think it represents who i am anymore, yanno? i like cute stuff! wee!

anyways, i was expecting school to be much more interesting, but it's been much of the same old so far. a classmate of mine did break a leg, though. i wonder if he's okay right now? he seemed fine yeterday when he came with that leg, but for some reason he's not here today. i hope he's fine, even though he's kind of weird if i'm being honest. well, that's all for now. i'll eventually change my status thingy when i feel like it, too ;P i wish i could use an old version of wordpress.. darn PHP versions..

mood: headachy  ::  posted @ january 2, 2026 @ 2:14

hi friends! happy new year-- though, uh, i guess it's a bit late for that, considering it's now january 2 and all. oh well! hope you all are having a great new year.. oh yeah, what was i gonna talk about again? right! so, this entry is gonna be pretty short since i'm just gonna let you guys know that i updated my art archive after not updating it in FOREVER. bah. i don't really like updating it since i have to code EVERY image by hand, but also i want to keep this archive just in case any of the other websites my art is hosted at go down, so, you know. :3 there's some gift art i also want to host on my archive too, but i'll do that later; probably tomorrow or some other day.

ah, and did you guys know me and my girlfriend's (gay much?) 1 year anniversary is coming up in like a week? yeah, you definitely didn't but now you do! we're thinking of maybe visiting one of our houses to hang out and stuff. weeee!

mood: lonely  ::  posted @ december 19, 2025 @ 10:02

i feel alone. so, so alone. i try to talk to people, but they never truly listen. i feel like i'm shouting at the void, in hopes of getting a response. but the only response i ever get is my own, echoing back towards me. it's a weird feeling. i have so many friends, yet it's like i don't have anyone to talk to. i'm only remembered when people need or want something from me. "oh, let's go to angélica's house! let's hang out there!" NO. i don't fucking want you to. do you talk to me, EVER? do you guys actually care about me? if i didn't have a big house, i bet they wouldn't even care to visit me.

and yet, at the same time, i do want them to come. i want someone to talk to. i want someone to love me, to support me, to feel like i'm part of something. i want to be happy. but i can't. i just can't. i feel so worthless and ignored and thrown away. i miss my friends. i miss being able to hang out with them. but i just won't let myself be happy for once. i've started to isolate myself more and more from my loved ones, and i feel so guilty about it. it's fine, though. nobody is there for me, so what's the point behind talking to somebody? it's not like they care. they never cared. and never will.

i want to hate everyone. but i can't. i love my friends, family. i really don't know if it's me wanting to hate everyone, or if i just hate myself. i don't want to live, but i don't want to die. i'm tired, so tired. i wish people cared. i want to be happy. but i can't. i just feel guilty for even living. i want to cry, but i can't. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to feel. i want to hurt myself, and yet i don't want to, either. i'm so confused.

and as such, i sit in my room, wondering what went wrong. where, how and when did i become so miserable? and i want to answer myself, but i can't. i just don't know. i miss feeling joy.

i want to be hugged, but i'm too repulsive for that, aren't i?

mood: bored  ::  posted @ december 17, 2025 @ 11:50

ah, sorry for not posting in over a week in this journal ^_^;; i've been busy and been posting more over at my dreamwidth. anywho, i no longer have to take anymore finals! i finished my last one today, which means it's finally christmas break :D sooo, today was pretty average as of writing this, i took my science final exam and when i finished it i went on to hang out over at the basketball court while i waited for the time to be picked up. oh, and one of my friends gifted me my (late) birthday gift. i'll probably show the contents later ;P anyway, i'm now here, home alone since my parents are at walmart, doing pretty much nothing. i'm really bored and i'm not sure what to do, honestly. i'm probably gonna go eat after this :P BAH, why does this entry have to be SO DAMN BASIC!!! this is stupid. so damn stupid >:P might as well watch some movies, I guess.

can you guys actually believe the year's almost over? 2025 has definitely been... an interesting year, for sure. i got in my first relationship, i created my first website, changed accounts, had tons of crises, made lots of new acquaintances... wow, it really has been a hell of a rollercoaster of a year. and for some reason, this year has also felt.. long and short, at the same time..? i'm not sure how to explain it without sounding weird. i guess i'm just trying to say that this year had parts that dragged on for too long and others that went way too fast. hm.

well, anywho, i'm exited for christmas and the new year :3 i hope i can get my gifts on time, since i always forget to make my list until it's too late... heh, silly old me. (that really hurt to type, wow. i am NEVER saying that again.) anywhooooo, and yeah, i WILL be overusing that in every entry, i'm working on some new linky buttons :3 now that i no longer have school for now, i'm free to do pretty much whatever i wish! woo! :3

mood: sleepless  ::  posted @ december 9, 2025 @ 23:54

eh. today was boring. today i got to stay home from school since my parents were going to work early and wouldn't be able to take us, and i babysat my sister for a little while. man, she sure does get annoying at times...really, all the time. but that's not the point. today was mostly a day for working on my website, as of writing this i only have two pages to work on :D yay! i've also installed a neat little guestbook after not having one for a while, how fun! i still have to change its look, but idk if i'll be able to draw anything at this moment... i still have plenty of others projects to work on, nevermind school stuff, too. but anywho, i plan on releasing my new layout after doing the other website stuff.

i kind of want to make a resource website page thingy, or maybe even a pixel art gallery, but we all know how 'reliable' i am with promises. hmm. i'll just finish this website first and then do all that other stuff later :P *sigh* it's really such a struggle. oh well. i should probably try to work on making more linking buttons, too. i have an extremely depressing amount of them T_T i never seem to have any creative ideas for them, though... but who knows, maybe some time it'll 'click', right?

anywho, i'm gonna go to sleep in a few minutes. and by that, i mean probably in 2 hours... ;D i get distracted on the computer, okay!? hee. just let me listen to some bis first :P really though, i'm worried on how i'll be tomorrow, considering it's a school day ;_; it's not like i rarely do this, though. blah, i'm talking too much. toodles!

mood: empathetic  ::  posted @ december 8, 2025 @ 13:56

well, today sure was weird. today we could come in our PJs (as long as they still conform to the code, of course), and i wore a christmas themed PJ set and a hello kitty hoodie for the extremely cold air conditioned classrooms (oh yeah, we have air conditioning how! how fun) and, well, everything was going as normal until a really annoying guy in my guy got pantsed; hell, they even lowered his underwear! i wasn't there when they did it, but apparently his privates were out, too. although, i can't confirm this since.. well, i wasn't there. not like i'd want to see that anyway :P

honestly, i really feel bad for him. i don't like him as a person but nobody deserves to have their privates shown without their consent. i saw him crying at the back of the classroom and i really wanted to tell him something, just ask him if he was okay, but of course i'm too much of an introvert to do so, so i refrained from doing so. i kind of feel guilty about it, but oh well. other than that, most of the day was... fairly normal, though two other guys also got pantsed. i feel like a bitch for thinking it was funny... but this has happened before with the same two guys, and they don't mind it, like, at all. i think they might be even into it, so hopefully it's not as bad if i find that funny, right?

i know this is a bit of a.. way to start my new online journal, but hey, we all have to start SOMEWHERE, right?